i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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