So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
