Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
