can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
