This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
