You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
