Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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