Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
