there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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