Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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