just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
