Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
