3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
