I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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