You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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