I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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