Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
