I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
