: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
