If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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