whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
