but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
