at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
