My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
