I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
