Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
