She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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