my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
