He is an equal opportunity slut.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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