I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
