i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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