Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
