There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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