3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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