btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
