White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
