I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
