no, he came in my armpit
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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