this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There r osticjed everywhere
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
