She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
