I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
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