it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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