Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
