I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
