Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
