dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
