Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
