Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
