I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
