Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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