If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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