I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
