You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
