We're like a lot better than the average bears
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
