a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
