I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
